


you.

by leithvoid



Category: Palaye Royale (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Gay, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Physical Abuse, References to Drugs, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-10 12:43:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17426138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leithvoid/pseuds/leithvoid
Summary: finn, check's himself into a mental health hospital. he meet's remington leith on his first night there, but everything gets very real very quickly and things get dark. will both of them make it out alive or will one of them be lost to the void forever?Based in a Mental Hospital; so it goes without saying TRIGGER WARNING. Self harm, suicide, abuse (physical, mental, emotional), alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, mental health.





	1. one.

The building was tall and wide, I didn't know what else to expect, I didn't even think these places still existed, but I guess I was wrong. The outside was white, but it wasn't so bright it was bouncing the light off it and blinding you, it was dull like it was eating the light. I almost relate to the building in a weird way, the steal bars on all the small windows, the lack of doors and people around the building, the lack of smiling, fresh flowers – I related to the lack of life that seemed to not be around a building that was supposed to save them.

A hand gripped my shoulder, not to tightly but tight enough to know I was being pulled out of a day dream. I looked up the adult standing next to me someone whose eyes reflected the same colour as mine do – grey blue. Someone's hair which used to be the same colour as mine when they where my age, red. There was a small smile on their lips, like it was sorry. It should be, that smile had no reason for being there, not while we were standing there, in this place.

We started to walk towards the building away from the car we drove here in, as the building became closer it grew, just like the grip around the handle of my bag. The closer we were the more real it became, for some reason I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad or happy or thankful; I was just nothing. I wasn't choosing to come here, but I was.

"You okay?" the adult's voice hung in the air, soft and caring. It didn't belong in this moment, it belongs in the moment's leading up to here. In the car or at the house, or just as we got out; but it didn't belong here and now. As I approached the seemingly dark heavy wooden doors of the building, it was a nice contrasting colour. Maybe I'll fit in here, maybe this is where I should be?

"Stupid question," they replied to the lack of mine. It wasn't stupid, it was a perfectly good question to ask someone who was about to sign away six months of their life to a room and constant monitoring. The question just was too late to deserve a response, the question felt like it was an 'I don't want them to die and me have not asked' but only realised that now, rather than naturally caring enough to think of it in the first place.

I pushed the door and it opened into a small room, it was a light blue colour; it made me feel like i was in a hospital, fitting. Blue; light blue for that matter, it was supposed to be a soft calming colour. That's why they use it in hospitals and doctors waiting rooms, in places like this. To trick the mind into thinking they are somewhere safe, somewhere they can relax, and they will be taken care of. But it doesn't trick mine. I've been to too many places with this colour on the walls to now know why it is there.

"Hello, how can I help you?" an older lady asked from the other side of the counter. She seemed to make sense, I don't think I expected anyone else to be sitting right there at that moment. I looked into her eyes and forced a smile, it wasn't really a forced smile it was easy to produce but it maybe didn't look real.

"I'm here for my admission." I said. My voice cracked a little bit, it was because this was the first thing I'd said since yesterday. The lady typed on her computer, assuming she was looking for the admission's list for the place to find me on the list. After a couple of seconds, she nodded and reached over to the side of her computer to grab a clipboard, she smiled and handed it too me with a pen.

"Just fill out these details and I'll get someone to come get you." I nodded taking the clipboard and pen. I turned and was followed by the adult who came with me to one of the chairs that rounded the cold room, I chose one; no real reasoning behind the choosing of the seat it just looked the best. I filled out the paper work, common things where on it like name, age, sex, gender, reason of admission, medical details, medications. Then a list of terms and policies I was agreeing too by coming here and signing this sheet.

As I signed the sheet doors to the right of the counter opened and someone who looked a lot like a doctor came out, they greeted me with a smile and took my forms. They re-explained what I was agreeing too and I nodded and then they handed the clipboard and pen to the older lady who first greeted me. "Do you want a moment to say goodbye?" the doctor asked me, I looked back for a moment to see him sitting there; alone. That same smile playing on the edged of his mouth; I shook my head and he nodded getting up and walking out those dark doors.

"Was that your father?" the doctor asked, I nodded. "I see the similarities in you two."

"We aren't the same person." I said back quietly. We many have looked the same, yes, but I was not him.

After an hour or two of sitting and talking in an office with this doctor, checking my bag for anything not allowed by the facility, I was finally shown around and where I would be sleeping. The place was nice, it was in better condition than I thought it was going to be in. I met some of the other people staying there as I walked around with the doctor, and then my room was last. It was small, like I assumed all the rooms where, it was nice. It was one person per room, females on the right of the hallway and males on the left, common things.

I was left to set up my things, I was going to be here for several months so why not get the unpacking and prevention of meeting everyone done first. As I pushed my now empty bag under into the empty space in the closet under my now hanging clothes someone knocked on my door, I jumped at the noise; it was quiet down this part of the building, this was the furthest from the general common area.

I looked up to see a boy standing there. I was confused for a moment because he didn't look like he worked at the facility, the I realised he was also a patient. He wore a worn smile, lips slightly parted so his white teeth peered through, as to taste the air. His hair was light, but darker at the roots, he had to have been allowed to get it dyed here or he'd only been here for a couple months. When I realised, I was just standing there observing this boy, I looked down. "S-sorry." I murmured.

He chuckled and then left, who was this boy? Should I follow him? Maybe he was a good starting point to getting to know the place, he seemed to be pretty 'normal' acting. I shrugged and went back to trying to fit my bag into the closet, I finally got it to fit (it really wasn't that big of a bag) there was a voice that came from the door "You coming?" I looked up, it was him again.

I raised an eyebrow at him, did he really think I was about to follow him anywhere, I didn't even know him. I was going to have to know him eventually, unless he was leaving soon – then I didn't have to get to know him at all. "I don't know you." I replied to his seemly strange expectation of me following him.

"You will though," he smiled, again with the just enough to let his teeth peer through his lips. His face was thin, he wore eyeliner or eye shadow, something makeup related around his eyes "Come on, I won't hurt you." His voice softened, and the smile became less, a little bit of fear filled in some of the space inside my mind. If I didn't go with him would be get angry and hurt me, or try to hurt himself or someone else?

"Fine," I said, letting a sigh roll out of me. I grabbed my iPod (which was allowed only because it didn't have a camera) and my headphones, I pulled them around my neck and let them hug me. I walked to the door of the room I should probably call mine and followed the boy who didn't have a name down the hallway.


	2. two.

I followed the boy to the end of the hallway, it was slightly darker down here than it was in the general areas of the facility. I assumed that was because this was somewhere, they wanted you to be calm and collected to aid in sleeping and other sorts of relaxing things. He stopped at the end of the hallway and put out his arms in front of him like he was presenting me with something, I looked in the direction of his body and arms and saw, what I assumed was his room. 

It was dark, but it was about the same brightness as the hallway so I was able to see what was inside his room. The room's walls were covered in drawings and words, I couldn't make out the writing, there was a lot of it and it was small, but I could tell these drawings were done by hand; by him? I wasn't sure. His bed had black covers over the blankets and pillows, there was a small side table which a clear plastic cup sat upon which was half filled with what looked like some kind of juice. 

Why was this kid I didn't know showing me his room? Why was this his way of introducing himself to me? I raised an eyebrow and looked at him "Cool?" He asked, brown eyes glistening. He seemed to be very proud of the personalisation of his room, how long had he been here? I wondered. It seemed strange for his room to look like this if he'd only been here a few weeks or months even, this looked like years in the making. 

The room was cool to look at but for the kind of day I'd had even if I didn't really do much it felt like a lot and I was getting tired. "Yeah, super cool," I half smiled, forced, actually forced this time. I didn't know him, he didn’t know me, he just randomly showed up and took me to his room. "Can I go now?" I questioned him quietly. I didn't want to upset him, though I could see how much he loved his room and wanted to show me, I really wanted to sleep or just lay down at least. 

He nodded, dropping his arms to the sides of his thin frame, he was taller than me, maybe 6’1? I felt bad that I didn't have more interest in his room, I still didn't know why he wanted to show me. "Thanks for looking." He flashed me a pearly grin and then walked into the room and sat cross legged on the bed, facing the cup. He stared at it, for I assume a while, I left almost as soon as he sat on the bed. 

I walked back to my room closing the door behind me, I knew that if I feel asleep now someone would come and wake me for dinner or medication time, so that's what I did. I crawled onto the bed I still had a weird feeling about, I didn't trust it. It wasn't my bed, but it was going to have to be for the time I was going to be here. Maybe I would ask someone to bring me some blankets from home or a pillow. I don't know why I didn't think of it but it was something that I should have thought about. There was a lot I realised I had forgotten once I was showed around the facility, maybe I should make a list? 

I curled up under the blankets and made sure I faced away from the door, if someone did come in to wake me up, I didn't want them to see my face while I slept. That creeped me out. 

# 

I was woken by a knocking on my door, though my name wasn't being called, the knock just didn't stop it was a continues beat "Okay, I'm coming," I said loud enough for the knocking to stop for a moment, then it continued "Jesus Christ." I rolled my eyes pushing my hair from my face, I pulled myself from the bed and walked to the door. 

I opened it to find that boy again, did he just have a weird obsession with me? If it was dinner or medications time wouldn’t one of the people who worked for this place come and woken me? "Dinner." he said bluntly. I raised an eyebrow at him, why was he getting me? 

"Why are you here and not a doctor?" I asked, I let the door swing open as I grabbed another jumper to wear, I was already wearing one. 

"Can I wear one?" he asked, I was a taken back for a moment. He wasn't wearing a jumper and to me this place was freezing once out of the warmth of the weird bed I didn't trust. 

 

"Don't you have your own?" I asked, starting to get a little annoyed at this boy. 

He shrugged "Yours look warmer than anything I have." I sighed, I opened my closet and threw a pale pink hoodie at him. He caught it. I was slightly surprised he actually put it on, it was huge on him. Though I always bought bigger jumpers for myself he was thinner than I was. "You're the best. This jumper is the best." he smiled. 

"So, no doctor to get me for dinner?" I repeated my initial question to the boy, I still didn't have a name for. 

"I volunteered to come get you, thought a familiar face would help make you feel less nervous about entering the big white room of doom." He lightly bumped his elbow into mine, smile on his lips. "Everyone is nervous first few times, its normal." he said, it was like he lived here. Did he? Maybe he'd been here for years, even though when I initially thought of it, I was joking, maybe he really had been. 

"Thanks?" I replied, not really sure if I was thankful or not. Once we rounded the corner into the big white room of doom nerves did kick in, and having this boy, who I didn't know, wearing my jumper, walking next to me actually made me feel slightly calmer. "Could I sit with you? Or is there some weird seating plan here?" I whispered to him. He seemed to carry himself quite well, his back was straight and his long legs glided across the white floor. 

"You can sit next to me." he whispered back to me. It made me smile a little, this boy had no idea who I was and was kind enough to let me sit next to him and look out for me. I was still confused by it all, but I was a little thankful that he'd been that way. 

The white room was big, funny that. Everyone in the facility was sitting on tables that were scattered about the floor, everything was a crappy white colour. The colour made me feel gross, it was supposed to trigger clean and refreshing thoughts and feelings in your brain but I'd been to enough places to know that now. 

The boy found a completely empty table and sat down, he pulled the sleeves of the pink jumper over his hands and propped his elbows up on the table resting his chin in his sleeve covered hands. I was about to ask how this whole eating thing worked here when someone, a doctor I assume, placed two trays down on the table. One had my name on it and the other had his name. 

"Thank you," he smiled at the doctor. 

"I'll be watching, eat it all." the doctor said, he walked away from the table. What he said didn't really register with me at that time, it would later though. 

"I know your name now," I commented pointed to his tray. 

"How unfortunate, I wanted to just be a mysterious weird pink jumper boy to you." he sighed, he started to look at his tray. He looked around and saw the doctor who told him to eat it all, he picked up the fork and started to eat his food slowly. 

"I like it," I said, as I started to eat. He looked, for a moment, confused about what I was talking about "your name, I like it." he nodded and then we eat in silence for the next few minutes.


	3. three.

The silence that was between us when we ate didn't feel as awkward as I had assumed it would have been. I ate the food on my tray, I didn't look up. Sometimes eating was a chore but I didn't have an issue with it, I didn't starve myself or make myself sick after eating or force myself to work out because of the calories I had consumed. With eating disorders there were lots of ways people could develop them, I'd done enough reading and research to know that, I’ve also had friend who’ve had them. 

"Good work," the doctor who came to give us our trays had come back to praise us. I was confused for a second as I looked up because I wasn't finished yet, be the boy had. It was then that I realised how much less food he had on his tray, I didn't really think about it too much. I didn't want to be someone to assume things about people and I didn't want to walk into this place and just ask people why they were here. 

"Sure, whatever" the boy pulled my hoodies sleeves over his hands again, covering his figures. His tray was taken away and he sat there watching me eat the rest of my food. 

I didn't notice till he tapped me on the arm, I looked at him. "Yes?" I asked. It was then I noticed he looked a little paler than what I'd seen him be just now. 

"Can I borrow your spoon?" he asked, I shrugged and nodded. He took the spoon and breathed onto it, he was making quite a lot of noise breathing on this spoon "You good?" I queried. 

"Look, look," he called to me, I looked up after putting the last bit of food in my mouth. He was balancing the spoon on his nose, both pale pink covered arm's outstretched. I chuckled at him, he was defiantly a performer, I could say that. 

"Amazing work there kid," I smiled at him. I sat back and watched him and he moved his head side to side trying to make the spoon fall off, he laughed when it did. It hit the table with a loud sharp sound, one that drew attention. My anxiety raised quickly as I felt people's heads turn towards him and where the nice came from. 

"Got a new friend, have we?" a deeper voice came from behind me, I didn't dare turn around. If they were talking to me, I didn't want to engage with them, I didn't want to get in a fight or have a scene the first night I was here. My heart was racing, I didn't even look at him, I wanted to avoid all of the social communication I could. 

"Oh, shove it would you" he said from next to me, placing the spoon back on my tray. 

In a moment of confusion and anxiety, clouded judgment and panic I stood up and walked from the big white room of doom. No doctor followed me, no one followed me, they let me leave. When I was in my meeting earlier this morning, they told me for the first couple days I didn't have to participate or be anywhere apart for dinner and medication's time. The doctor explained to me that it was very normal to have high anxiety and the want to isolate myself in a place like this 'But once you get to know some of the people here, you'll feel more comfortable.' I rolled my eyes when they said this. 

It was common for me to have anxiety no matter where or what I was doing. It could cause me to do over-dramatic things or make me act out in a bad way, and I just wanted to minimise that risk here. I walked a little way down the hallway before I just placed my back to the wall and tried to breath, it wasn't going to help if I was in my room. I closed my eyes and counted my breaths four in and eight out. Something I learnt in therapy several years ago, and what seemed to be the only thing that really helped me calm down from an anxiety attack. 

There were a lot of things that I've tried over the years to help ease my anxiety but only this calmed it, nothing stopped it or made it feel any less intense. Sometimes that was just how it was. 

I was pulled out of my calming moment by footsteps coming towards me, I assumed it would be a doctor to check up on me and make sure I was okay but none the less it was him. "You okay?" he asked, worry swimming in his brown eyes. I shrugged at his question, was I supposed to answer truthfully or should I not because of where I was and being unsure of his mental state, or who he was. 

"Sure, just needed to be alone for a moment." I replied, he stretched out his arms as to ask for a hug. I wasn't really a hugger, I used to be and then I never left my house. I stepped towards him and his arms wrapped around my shoulders and I wrapped my arms around his torso, this actually felt really nice. 

"This jumper is the best," he whispered to me. I smiled, I was glad he liked it. 

"You can keep it if you really want too, it looks better on you than me." I mumbled when he pulled away. 

"I do look good, don't I?" he laughed, pearly whites showing. He had a nice laugh, it wasn't too deep or too high it was like almost just nice to listen too. 

"You sure do, Remington," I smiled back at him, I reached to readjust the hood of the jumper around his neck so it looked better. He seemed like such a kind person, but the nicest people always struggled with the darkest demons. 

"Do you wanna come to my room for a bit? Just hang out?" he asked, I nodded without thinking about it. He didn't seem to be someone who was going to put me in danger, but maybe I just caught him on a good day. What did that guy mean by a new friend? Was Remington someone who didn't have friends here? 

We walked to his room and he turned on a little lamp in the corner of the room, it glowed red and lit up the walls in his room. "Did you do these?" I asked walking into his room and looking at the drawings more closely, they were done on paper and tapped to the walls. 

"Nah, my brother did. He sends me some sometimes, he's an artist." He replied, he was turning on a small keyboard. "They’re cool hey? We created this whole place together, one day we're gunna make it and live there. No phones or technology." he continued to explain. 

"These are amazing, he is a very talented guy." I admitted, these drawings were done so specifically. It was truly breathtaking. As I looked at all the drawings some of the keys on the keyboard where played, I turned around and looked at Remington. He was sitting on a small set, a small electric keyboard on a frame sitting against the part of the wall that didn't have any drawings on it. "You play?" I asked, immediately regretting it; of course, he did he had the thing in his room. 

"Yeah, classically trained." he replied, playing with some of the settings. "Want me to play you something?" he asked, I shrugged sitting on the floor next to him. 

He played something, it was kind to the ears, a little sad if I admit. It was nice, he didn't sing though, which I didn't really think about; I didn't think he was going to sing. His fingers glided across the black and white keys as he played, I watched closely at not only his hands creating the sounds but his face. I always thought that if you watched a musician's face closely, intently, when they played their instrument or sung you could really see inside their soul. 

I saw into his soul, I saw it all.


	4. four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Waring: Graphic Feeding Tube Content and Eating Disorder Talk

\- One Week Later - 

After group therapy each day and then several person therapy sessions, I felt like I knew most of the other patients here. I felt settled in, almost like how the doctor told me I would feel after a few days. I had made some 'friends', people I just talk to outside of therapy if I see them. I didn't want to make friends with anyone while I was here, because then the whole basis of our friendship would be that we are both sick, sick enough to be in a Mental Health Hospital, and for me that didn't seem like a very good way to start a friendship. Friendships I've had in the past that started by us talking about both suffering from mental health issues just ended up being a pissing contest on whose day was worst, who had the feelings - it was toxic. 

I was currently sitting in my room just before dinner was to happen, I was looking through a book when there was a soft knock on my door. It was my doctor, or therapist, if you like. "Could I borrow you for a moment?" he asked. It was very unusual for him to be working late, a lot of the doctors didn't really work after five o'clock, the nurses were the ones who stayed overnight. 

"Sure?" I said, slightly confused. I stood up and walked to the door, the first thing I heard was something that made my anxiety rise slightly, it was something I wasn't really prepared to hear either. 

I hadn't seen Remington since the first day I was here. When I went back to my room, he wasn't there the next morning, I assumed he'd been let out or something. The door to his room had closed and no one really talked about what had happened to him, over all the group therapy sessions it seemed like no one even noticed the boy had gone. It seemed strange to me, but I didn't bring it up, I didn't want to start anything. My therapist took me into his office, or an office, lots of doctors used this office. 

"How come you're here so late?" I queried when he closed the door and we both had sat down in the weird leather chairs they kept in here. I didn't find them very comfortable and I don't know how anyone else did, sure they looked good but they didn't feel good. 

"Well," he started, pressing his hands together. "I had a very unique query today from someone." I raised my eyebrow. Was someone else here having an issue with me? "It's not what you think," he said quickly seeing my reaction. "I'm sure you remember Remington, the boy you met the first day you arrived here." he stated, not making it sound like a question. I nodded anyway. "That night he was moved to the emergency wing." my heart sunk. 

"Oh," I wrapped my arms around myself. I knew I was closing myself off to the doctor, I was physically showing myself shutting down. 

"He is okay." He said, watching me but not taking note of it. "He requested to see you." he said, I looked down at the ground. "He is also my patient, so I told him once he had recovered and if you agreed, I would talk to you about going over to see him during dinner." I didn't know how to feel. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head on my knees. 

"Was the during dinner bit specific?" I was curious why he'd added that. Wouldn't it look strange if I disappeared during that time. Eating and mediation times where very strict here, and it would be very obvious if I wasn't there. 

"Yes. You will eat while you're with him, if you want to go." the doctor added. I nodded. 

"I want to go." I replied after a moment of thinking. Didn't his family want to see him? Or like anyone else? Why did he want to see me? How'd he even remember me? I wanted to see him though, even though I'd spent such little time with him on my first day here he made that day feel less lonely, he made me feel less lonely. 

"We should go now then, dinner is about to be called. It's best we get over there before then, if that's okay with you." I nodded, standing up. 

My doctor stood too and patted me on the shoulder as he walked past me, to the door. As we walked through the section of the facility that I'd never been in I didn't take much notice of what was around me. I was lost in my mind. What had happened to him? Why was he taken to the emergency wing? The doctor said after Remington had recovered, what did that mean? Had he hurt himself? With each question directed at the situation of the boy my heart grew heavier and heavier; was it my fault? Did I trigger something? Did I cause this? If I did why would he want to see me? 

"He is just in here," the doctors voice pulled me out of my internal dialog of panic. The area seemed the same but different from the wing I came from. There were small rooms that lined a wall, there were five rooms. They were bigger than the ones we had back int he other wing, these rooms had windows that were covered with curtains, so I couldn't really see into any rooms. "I have to warn you, it might be a little tough to see him like this." he said to me. 

"I've seen worse." I said to him, it was true I had seen actual dead bodies so I'm sure seeing him in whatever state he was in wouldn't shock me too much. 

"Your tray of dinner is in there, just let one of the nurses know when you want to go back to the Mental Health wing and they will take you. I'm going to head home now, I will be in tomorrow and I will be seeing you as well - to make sure you're okay." he explained. 

"Okay, thanks." I said, I took a sharp breath as I grabbed the metal handle. I turned it and opened the door slowly "Knock, knock." I said softly. Hoping he'd knew it was me, but I doubted it I just didn't want to startle him. 

"You came," a familiar voice came from inside the dark room. The main light of the room was off as I closed the door behind me and watched the doctor walk off, there were two main light sources in the room at the moment. One was a small side table light that was quite dim, it didn't spread too much light into the room reminded me of the red light in his room back that the other wing. The other was what I assumed was the bathroom light, the door was open letting the light flood into the room but it didn't really change the darkness of the room. 

There was a small table that had a tray of food on it, my name written on it. "Wouldn't miss it," I replied, looking for him. He wasn't in the bed that was very visible next to the dim light "Where are you?" I asked into the dim room. 

"In the bathroom, you can come in. I'm not naked." He said. What was he doing in the bathroom if he wasn't showing or using the toilet? I took a couple steps to see him sitting on the floor, next to the toilet. Then it all clicked as I took in his appearance. I walked into the bathroom "I hope I don't scare you now," he murmured. He looked down for a moment playing with the tube that was hanging from his ear but entered his nose. 

"Don't play with it, you could fuck up the whole thing." I said as I sat next to him on the ground, grabbing his hands so they couldn't play with the feeding tube anymore. Funny enough I had actually seen this before, and I was well versed in feeding tubes. 

"H-how do you know?" he asked, looking up at me now. His face was thinner than when I saw him last, he was so much paler in this light, the t-shirt he was wearing barley fit him it was so big. I wrapped my hands around his, he was freezing. 

"I-I had a friend once, who dealt with the same thing." I said, looking down for a moment. The difference was she died. 

"Oh," he squeezed my hands, it almost felt like he was trying to take warmth from me. 

"Are you okay? Do you need me to get someone?" I asked, lightly of course not wanted to scare him. He was sitting on the floor next to the toilet and I thought maybe he'd been throwing up, in that case I did need to get someone - for his safety. 

He shook his head "No, I just felt sick. I didn't actually vomit." He stood up, letting go of my hands and using my shoulders and head to help him stand. He looked so fragile, it made my chest tighten. "Could you move the food into here and close the door? It makes me feel sick." he questioned, I nodded. 

I moved my tray into the bathroom and closed the door, the light turning off automatically. Remington sat on the edge of his bed, one hand holding the pole that was attached to his tube. "T-thanks." He thanked me for moving the food. 

"It's no problem." I replied, it really didn't bother me. "Let me get you a jumper, you have to be freezing." I stated, walking over to a black bag that sat on one of the chairs that was next to the door. 

"They smell weird, because they washed them." He said, moving himself onto the bed fully, now sitting cross legged watching me. I unzipped the bag and my pale pink hoodie was sitting on top. I grabbed it and held it up to him. 

"You can wear the one I'm wearing now and I'll wear this? Then when I leave, I'll give it back and it won't smell like hospital anymore." I asked and explained to him. I knew what it was like to have hospital smelling things make you feel uncomfortable. 

"I'd like that." And for the first time since being here I saw those pearly whites peek out from under those thin lips.


	5. five.

I pulled the black jumper I was wearing over my head and then pulled the pink one on. Though I didn't like pink I had bought that jumper because I thought I looked good in it, when you have red hair, they tell you to stay away from pink but it didn't look half bad. I tugged on the sleeves and then walked over to Remington "We need to take this off first so that you don't get all tangled up." I told him taking his feeding bag off the hook and sending it through the jumper, it moved through fine and then the jumper reached his head. "Arm's up," I instructed, he raised his thin arms and I pulled the jumper over his head. I gave more room to the right side of his head so the feeding tube and the part tapped on his face and hung over his ear didn't get knocked around as I pulled it on. 

At last the jumper now hung onto his body, warm for my body heat. "Thanks." He said fiddling with the bottom of the sleeves. I could tell he was feeling self-conscious about his current appearance, and it was understandable. When you dealt with someone so scary, and you were being forced to recover it was hard, and when you didn't look how you once did even though you linked you back then you feel like you can't stop now because you've already come so far. The disease was not friendly, nor kind to you, your body or the people around you. 

"You look better in pink, I have to say." I tried a smile as I pulled on the pale pink jumper. I sat on the end of the bed and looked at him, he was looking down at his hands. He seemed to be acting very quiet, which to me and slightly odd seeing as I'd only met him when he was basically bouncing off the walls. "Hey, hey, talk to me." I whispered, I guessed this had been hard for him. I didn't know if he'd even seen his family at this point, I might have been the first non-doctor to see him look like this and that could really mess with someone's mind. 

Maybe be knowing as much as I do about his situation made him feel uncomfortable? Or maybe I made him uncomfortable? Was I not living up to his expectation of what this would be like? 

"It's just hard," he said, he fiddled with the ends of the sleeves more and he went on, trying to think of the right words to say or explain how he was feeling "having people see me like this." he admitted. 

"It doesn't change how I feel about you, you're no different to me than you were a week ago." I blurted out, trying to make him feel better as if how I saw him made any difference to how he was feeling. 

"My brothers came to see me when I was first moved over here, the one who did the drawings; he just hugged me for a really long time. Which was nice, him and I are a lot closer than I am to my older brother." He started to explain, I sat and listened to him. He'd not looked up at me yet but I still watched him, his partially blond hair was flat on his head and looked like he'd not brushed in a couple days. 

"That's good you got to see them though, no?" I asked, I wasn't sure if he'd finished talking about the time he'd spent with his brother's or not. 

"Emerson was good, my older brother Sebastian? Not so much." He admitted, I could tell that it was hard from him to admit it too. When you love someone so much, it's hard to admit the bad things about them to yourself and then let alone to other people. You feel bad about thinking they are less then amazing but really, it's the bad that makes the good so good. 

"Oh," I said quietly, I moved my hands to his. "I'm sorry, Rem." I ran my fingers over his non-exposed knuckles. I was trying to comfort him, from what I'd analysed and experienced with him he liked to have physical contact as a form of comfort. He said he'd liked that his brother hugged him for a long time and he also offered me a hug on my first day to comfort me. 

"He was drunk, and was yelling at m-me. About h-how I was such a disappointment t-to him." He told me, he raised one of his fragile hands to his face to whip away a tear. My heart hurt for him, it much have felt so terrible to have someone like that say such things to you. 

"He seems like an ass." I said, not really bothered about how it made him feel, because in my opinion he really seemed like a piece of shit. Why would you come to a hospital, where your brother is ill and then just abuse him? What was his brother going to get out of him? Did it make him feel better being a piece of shit? 

"He's had drinking problems for a long time, he just can't see it. And it affected me a lot growing up, because he was supposed to look after me and Em and teach me things. But he didn't." Remington laced his fingers with mine and I sighed, his hands were so cold. 

"How about we watch something no the television?" I asked him, unless he didn't want a distraction and wanted to talk about these things with me. Which I was fine with "Unless you want to talk about this, then that's fine too." I offered. 

"Do you have to go back tonight?" he asked as he reached for the remote for the television, which was next to the small light on the bed side table. 

"That's what Mr. Doctor Man told me." I replied, I didn't know if someone was even going to come check on us. I didn't know if I wanted to stay all night, I still as unsure of him. 

He turned on the television and flicked through the channels "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is playing!" A smile spread across his face, it made me smile. I let go of his hand and turned around to see the familiar face on the screen. "Come sit next to me." He said moving further up the bed and over so there was space for me. He pulled the blanket over him, I wasn't sure if he wanted me to get under them with him or not. 

"Want me to come under?" I asked, nodding towards the spot and him under the blanket. He nodded, smiling as he was watching the television. He must have really liked Harry Potter to feel this good about it. I liked it but I was a fanatic about it. I crawled up to the other end of the bed next to him and kicked off my shoes before I got under the blanket. I leaned back into the pillow, sitting up really wasn't my thing, it made me feel really tried. I hoped he wouldn't ask about it and just let me lean back and watch the movie. 

"You like these movies hey?" I chuckled, I reached up and ruffled the hair on the the back if his head, playful things to keep him entertained. 

"These movies are amazing, I've seen them all so many times." He didn't take his eyes off the screen, he leaned back on the pillow next to me. "Don't tell me you've not seen them." He said looking away from the screen for a moment to me. 

"No, I've seen them a few times. Don't need to worry about converting me." I smiled at him. He nodded with those pearly whites on fully display, he moved over slightly, closer to me. I put my arm around him and he turned his body towards me, face still watching the movie. He even said some of the lines in a whisper. He rested his head on my arm and I played with his hair as we watched the movie. 

"Thank you," he said, I was surprised to hear him talk to me directly seeing as he was so entranced in the movie for most of it. 

"What for?" I asked, confused for a moment about what he was talking about. 

"Coming, tonight. I didn't think you would." He looked up at me for a moment, his eyes seemed to be trying to tell me something but I wasn't good at reading them. 

"I didn't know either, but I had to kill curiosity." I ruffled his hair again and smiled. He smiled up and me and then looked back to the movie. He seemed to be warming up now, from the times I touched his skin, it made me feel good that I could warm him up. Being cold because of your weight was the worst, you could never warm yourself you could put on as many clothes and blankets but you would never be warm. I learnt that human contact was the best way to warm up. 

He fell asleep at some point, I just don't remember when.


	6. six.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Graphic Self Harm and Suicide Explanation, Emotional Abuse, Drug and Alcohol Mention and Eating Disorder/Vomiting.

The credits of the movie were rolling and Remington hadn't moved yet, I looked down at him. His face was soft, his brilliant brown eyes were closed and his sleeve covered hands were curled up under his chin. He looked so peaceful to me, I didn't want to bother him, I was still playing with his hair, "Rem?" I whispered, if he was asleep, I didn't want to wake him but if he wasn't and he just had his eyes closed then me talking wasn't going to frighten him. The boy didn't respond, he didn't even seem to hear me, not a single reaction to my voice. 

 

I smiled down at him I reached for the remote on the side table, next to the light that we'd turned off a while ago, having to turn my body slightly. I grabbed it and turned off the tv, the light form outside the room didn't make much of a difference to how dark it was in here - the room made me feel slightly depressed. I tried not to think about myself at this moment, I was here for him, I wasn't allowed to feel anything but happy to be here. As I turned back to lay on my back, he made a small noise, it was like a whine but quiet and lost, one of his arms moved from tucked between his chest and my side to wrap itself over my torso. 

I the arm that I had used to prop him up and play with his hair I now lowered so that it was wrapped around his back, the small of his back was exposed as the jumper and blanket had moved from him moving around during the movie. His skin was soft, it felt cold though and it made my heart hurt, I pulled the blanket up around him and tucked my arm around his back above the blanket so it wouldn't move and he would stay warm. 

He was so precious, from what I could see in the semi-dark room, his body was curled into mine. His legs were pulled up to his chest, he was a little ball of warmth and comfort; it made me feel good. I could make him feel safe in his time of need, it was something I didn't think I would ever be capable of, ever. It's funny how depression works, because it varies but is similar in so many ways for so many people. 

Mine started when I was young, I was around ten when I think I knew what I was feeling was depression but I had these feelings for a lot longer. I used to hurt myself, for several years I would damage my pale skin and paint it with water coloured red paints. I was a broken mess and nothing hard really happened to me yet. When I reached about age seventeen that was when bad things started to happen, I was hanging out with the wrong people and started to do some heavy drugs that I ended up replying on way too much. 

I had been sent to hospital's many times for overdoses, stomach pumps and suicide attempts; I felt all of that. Once I reached about age twenty that was when my emotions disappeared, after I found my friend dead in their bathroom, that's what triggered the empty bottle I now have. I don't feel many things, I am able to acknowledge that my feelings maybe heightened due to anxiety or even when I'm hungry. And when I talked about this when I was in therapy, they told me that it was just shock but it's extended two years now and I don't think I'm still in shock. 

It can be dangerous not being able to feel because that’s when no matter what you do to feel, it’s not going to change but you keep trying. You try hurting yourself in different ways, you try manipulating people into hurting you, you get into fights, take drugs, drink - you do anything to try and kick those emotions back into play but they just don't come back. 

How I ended up here? Well, two weeks ago I tried to end my life. I did a variety of self-distractive and dangerous things over a couple of days and ended up in the hospital. The doctor I saw there recommended this place, if not for recovery for just getting away from life and the world. And I agreed because maybe I did need a break from the world around me, in here I wasn't going to know anyone, I could be someone knew - I didn't have any responsibilities. 

that might not have been the best way to think about it but that's how I saw it, I wasn't angry to be here or upset, I was just annoyed. But now, as I laid in a hospital bed with a boy curled up next to me for warmth because he hated himself so much, he stopped eating, I felt like I was supposed to be here; for him. 

I rubbed his back slowly as I thought about things, I always found it hard to fall asleep. My mind would ponder on things, I would overthink or just think about things I did in my past and regret them. Somethings would make me physically shake my head to get rid of them. I was pulled out of my internal dialog by a soft voice, so soft and quiet it almost didn't even seem like a real noise. "Y-you okay?" 

I looked down for a moment, I didn't realise that he was rubbing the arm that was closest to his arm wrapped around my body. "Yeah, just thinking." I smiled smally. 

"Why did you do it?" He asked, I didn't expect him to ask so soon but I knew he would eventually, once people see my arms, they always ask in due time. 

"To keep myself alive subconsciously." I replied. 

He looked up at me, his big dark brown eyes, desperate. I searched his eyes for something, I didn't know what but there was something. I sighed and pulled my arm from his to move hair from my face, I scratched the back of my head, it's not that this topic made me uncomfortable, I was very open to talking about it but I was just frustrated. "I'm sorry, you went through that." Remington wrapped his arm back around my torso and squeezed me. 

"I know I said you look prettier in pink earlier, but you look pretty all the time." I admitted to him. I didn't know if I had feelings for this boy I didn't really know, but I wanted him to know I thought he was pretty. I liked to tell people they looked good, because I knew how much it could improve someone's day. 

"You're pretty too..." He said back, he was fiddling with the side of the pink jumper I was wearing. "But I'm a pretty princess, and that's the difference." I chuckled. 

"You're my pretty princess?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at him. 

"Maybe, unless you already have one?" he queried. 

"I have no one." I was blunter then I would have liked to be, but I didn't really know how else to immediately tell him I was alone on the earth. 

"Not anymore." He smiled and ruffled my hair with the hand that was wrapped around my side. I laughed, I could feel the creases next to my eyes. Was I feeling something? "I'm you're pretty princess now." He left his hand on my chest instead of wrapping it around me side again. 

My heart started to race as he settled back into his curled up position, I rubbed his back out of panic because I didn't want him to think something was wrong. I took a deep breath "I gotta pee." I blurted out, trying to make sure he couldn't hear my heart falling out of my mouth from my heart rate. 

"Okay, just don't be too long. I'll get cold again." he pouted sitting up to let me out. I walked to the bathroom opening the door and the light coming on automatically, I closed the door behind me and pushed my back up against it. I closed my eyes, I tried to breath, counting, in and out, one, two, three, four. 

I decided I should probably go to the toilet while I was here, so he didn't think I was lying to him. 'What is going on right now? What are you doing right now?' I thought to myself. I washed my hands and then came back out of the bathroom. 

Remington was standing next to the bed, his eyes were wide, hand over his stomach "Rem, you okay?" I asked almost jogging over to him. "Rem, hey, hey, what’s going on?" I asked, panic filling me even more than it already was. 

"I-I think I'm g-going to vomit." he got out eventually, he gripped the pole of his feeding bag and walked to the bathroom. He went to close the door behind him and I grabbed it, I was stronger than him so it wasn't like he was going to be able to lock me out. "D-don't come in." he struggled, he didn't look like he was going to stand for long. 

"You're not going in alone." I said firmly. I put my free arm under him to help him stand, he shook his head at him, he tried to get out of my grip. "Remington, you're not alone right now. I am here, me." I said to him. I helped him walk to the toilet and helped him sit down against the wall. I stood there for a moment just petting his head as he leaned into my legs. "How about a shower?" I asked him, they always made me feel better. 

He shook his head "I don't want you to see me, I look disgusting." something typical for someone in his condition to say. But the pain in his voice, it hit something inside me that made me want to hold him close and tightly forever and tell him how it wasn’t true. 

I knelt down and cupped his face in my hands, tilting his head to that he was looking into my eyes "I care about all of you, you are beautiful to me." I said, my heart was screaming. "So, we're going to get you in the shower, it'll make you feel better. They always help me." I told him, he nodded slowly. 

I found what I was looking for in his eyes, in that moment, everything came together.


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Slight Nudity and Vomiting Mention.

His brown eyes looked like they were drowning in fear, in doubt and self-hatred. But there is was that small, small speck in his eyes that told me he felt safe enough to let me help him. After everything he'd been through and was going through, he trusted me, he trusted everything I was going to do for him; that was validation for me. It made my chest not feel tight and my anxiety shrink slightly. 

I took off the feeding bag from its hook and pulled the back and cord through this jumper and t-shirt, I hung it back up and then I smiled softly at him, he was avoiding my eye contact. "Arm's up princess." I asked, soft. This was a moment that was going to be hard for him, and even though I might have been slightly bothered by it I wasn't important right now. this was about creating a safe space for him and I could do that, I wasn't scared I was going to break him or what he was going to look like; I wanted him to be safe. 

"Okay, we have to take off the top half of your clothes now." I said to him, I was going to tell him exactly what I was doing each step to make sure he was okay. I was going to stop when he showed even the slightest amount of uncertainty. "Jumper first." I reached for the sleeves first, I held the ends and he pulled his arms into the jumper, then I held the bottom of it and pulled it over his head. I discarded the jumper next to me "Okay, t-shirt." I did the same holding the sleeves and then pulling over his head. 

He was thin, his shoulder bones stood out, his rib cage wasn't as visible as I thought it would have been and his collar bones really did stand out. I smiled at him, he reached for my hand once I'd placed his t-shirt on top of the jumper, he placed my hand over his chest just over his heart. I could feel his heart racing, I waited till he dropped my hand before I also removed my jumper and long sleeve t-shirt. We both were in the same situation "I'm just as venerable as you are right now." I whispered to him. 

All my scares, all the damage done to my thinly built body was out there as much as his was; I hoped this made him feel more comfortable. "I can take off my pants, you start the shower?" he finally said something, I nodded. He wasn't going to get anywhere fast enough if he tried to get away from me. He stood up on his own and I closed the door as I walked to the shower, I saw my tray of food sitting on the counter of the sink and sighed, I didn't mention it hoping he'd forgotten it was even there. I turned the shower on and pulled my sweat pants off, as I turned around to throw them onto the pile of clothes, he was standing behind me. 

His boxers were still on, just as mine where. I threw my pants past him and then tested the water, soft but hold arms slowly crept around my middle and hugged me. I placed one hand over his crossed over arms as I adjusted the water, I made sure it was warm enough to heat him up but not too hot that it would overheat me. "Okay, this good?" I asked looking back at him, his head was pressed to my back, eyes closed. He was so cold. 

He pulled way and put his hand under the water "So good." he smiled. He walked under the water, pulling the pole with him. I moved it outside of the curtain so that the machine wouldn't get wet and I walked in behind him, I drew the curtain behind me, making this shower a now closed off, safe, warm place for us. He ran his head under the water wetting his hair, he pushed it back off his face and moved his head from under the water. He looked to me, I smiled at him "So good." He repeated wrapping his arms around himself under the water, he was warm. 

"I'm glad." I replied. I softly rested my hands on his shoulder and turned him around, I wrapped my arms around his torso pulling myself towards him. I was also now under the water; both our heads were free of it but our bodies were warm with water and calmness. I rested my head next to his, he leaned into me. 

In this moment I felt something, I felt content, something I didn't think I would ever feel. Let alone right now, in this moment, in this situation. Remington turned in my arms and smiled at me, his teeth on full display, I returned the smile. I was about to open my mouth and say something and then he pulled away from me grabbing his stomach. "Hey, it's okay, just breath." I said reaching for him, to keep him from braking his knees on the tiled ground and he fell in pain. 

I helped him to sit down under the water, his hands over his torso, rubbing it "Look at me," I pleaded, I needed his eyes to look up. "Right here," I tapped my nose "that's it, I want you to breath with me Rem, okay?" I said, his brown eyes filled with fear, panic. "In for four, out for eight okay, like this." I breathed in through my nose for four counts, then out through my mouth in eight counts. "Just like that, good job." I smiled as he started to breath with me, I rubbed his shoulders slowly. 

He continued to breath as the water ran down his back, I pushed his pale hair from his face so I could see his eyes. "You're doing so well." I praised. I tried to sound calm, and I was good at it, lots of practice you see. I pressed my lips to his forehead, as I pulled back, he wrapped a hand around my wrist, stopped me from rubbing his shoulder. 

At first, I was a little alarmed, was he going to throw up? "I like you, Finn." I stared at him for a moment, did he just say he likes me? He dropped his hand from my wrist and leaned his head against my chest and started to breathe again. I didn't know if I felt anything for him yet. I wasn't even sure if I could feel anything for anyone anymore... 

I kissed the top of his head, his hands both found themselves resting on my legs as his forehead rested on my shoulder. "We should get out; the water is getting cold." I eased him into sitting up again. 

"Okay." He said quietly, I hope I didn't make him upset by saying nothing back to him, I just didn't know. I needed time, which was the worst thing to say to someone, you're better off not saying anything than that. 

We both got out and I dried him off, we both walked out to the bedroom and I pulled his bag from the chair as he sat on the bed, I pulled out dry boxers and a dry pair of sweat pants for him. "I'll go get changed in the bathroom, so you feel more comfortable." He nodded. I went int the bathroom and closed the door drying myself and then pulling on the black hoodie I originally came here with, and my sweat pants. "You dressed?" I asked, wanted to make sure he was okay before I came back into the room. 

"Yeah." I heard a fragile voice come from the other side of the door. I opened it he was sitting on the bed, he was slumped over and my chest tightened, he must have been so tired. I walked over to him placing the pink jumper on the bed, his hands found it and he pulled it on pulling through the feeding bag. I grabbed it and put it back up on its hook. "I'm so tired." he mumbled laying down and curling up, body facing the pole. 

"Let me help." I whispered walking around the bed and crawling on, I wrapped y body around his, once arm wrapping around his torso, not to tightly though because I didn't want to upset his stomach again and the other arm under the pillow we shared. "Sleep now." I told him kissing the back of his head as I pulled the blankets up around us. He curled up into me more, I felt something. I felt... "I like you too Remi." I said quietly, enough for him to hear it. My heart raced in my chest, but I let it, this was a raw moment for us both. 

One of his hands found the one under the pillow and entangled his fingers with mine. "I'm your pretty princess." He said, I could hear not only the smile in his voice but also the exhortedness. I hushed him and we fell asleep. 

I felt something.


	8. eight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Suicide Mention

I was woken by some voices in the room, though I still was basically asleep I could hear them. It sounded like Remington was walking to over people, were they doctors? Or where they his family? I didn't really have the mental capacity to distinguish if they we're formal voices or common voices, if they were talking about medical matters or casual conversation. I was able to tell that he was still in the bed with me though, but he was sitting up, my arm was still wrapped around his waist and his hands held my arm. I groaned and blinked a couple times to clear my vision, it was still dark in the room, though I assumed it was day time at this point because there where people here.

 

I looked up to see Remington first, he's hair was messy, soft, it made me want to play with it. I wanted to lay down all day and just play with his hair, the blond ends and the darkened roots, it was beautiful. Before I could remember the events of last night, I was greeted with a pearly smile from him, who'd heard me groan while waking up. "Morning." He chimed, it made me wince slightly. I wasn't used to people being so chipper when they woke up, or when I was waking up. See when you live alone you don't even have to talk to anyone until you want too.

"Hey." I replied, my morning voice was deep but quiet. I wasn't a very loud talker, there was no need to be loud when you could just talk quietly. If you said anything important then someone would hear it, only the ones who truly care hear you. After I stopped looking at him like he was a God that I had been worshiping my whole life and now and only seeing in the flesh, I looked around the room, sitting up slowly pulling my arm from around Remington.

Two boys sat in the chairs at the end of the bed, near the door. It only took me seconds to realised these where his brothers, one looked so much more like him he was the one I first noticed and connected the dots. The one sitting closest to the door must have been Sebastian. For a moment my blood boiled, I wanted to get up and throw him to the ground and hit him, yell at him. but I stayed where I was, this wasn't my place or the time to even do such things.

The one who looked like Rem I had to now assume was Emerson, the one who drew all the amazing art that was back in Remington's room in the wing. He wore tight black jeans that had been cut just above the ankles, you were able to see his bright red socks that where covered with black boots. His t-shirt looked like he'd thrown it on a rocky road and ran over it with his car several times, it was practically falling off him. He wore a hat with a wide brim and feathers attached to it, it looked quite cool. I liked his style. He seemed like the artist type.

Sebastian wore a black suit pants with boots that came up to his mid-calf and a black and white striped t-shirt that had a wide neck line. His collarbones and at least half his shoulders were exposed. I didn't know what to really think of him so I tried to ignore him for now. I looked back to Remington "These are my brothers." He smiled. He seemed to be genuinely happy they were there, which confused me slightly, or he was really good at acting. Which in this case I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case, I wonder if he was more real when Sebastian wasn't around, if just being with Emerson was a whole different thing.

"Hey, I'm Finn. Nice to meet you guys." I forced a smile, not wishing to exist right now. I hated socialising when I've just woken up, one I hated people seeing me sleep and two I looked like shit.

"Remi's told us all about you," Emerson smiled, there seemed to be the calm kind of aurora that came from him. It wasn't hard to feel like I already wanted to know more about him "You seem like a nice guy, I'm glad he's found someone that isn't me." he chuckled, Rem joining in too.

"I'm Sebastian, it's nice to meet you too." He said, sounding kind of careless. I didn't want to have my preconceived judgments about him affect this 'meeting' but they were.

"If he'd told me you were coming, I would have dressed appropriately." I suggested, gesturing to my state of jumper and sweatpants. I hated this. I hated how I looked right now, this whole time started to make me feel slightly irritated, I shifted next to Remington moving slightly away from him and crossing my arms in my lap.

"I'm not feeling to crash hot, do you guys mind coming back later?" Remington asked them. I turned out of the situation, my eyes glazing over and stared off to the distance. I thought about what this all meant. Was I now his boyfriend? My chest tightened, I didn't like this feeling I was having. It made me uncomfortable. I felt tired, like even though I'd slept it wasn't quality enough to even count as sleep. I sighed out loud, it was something I just did it wasn't because I didn't like something or was impatient it was just my bodies way of communicating that it was tired.

I don't know how long I had been day dreaming but Remington pulled me out of it "Hey, you." he whispered, tapping my nose softly. "You okay?" He asked. I laid back down tucking my arms and legs into my body, today was not going to be a good day.

"I'm depressed." I said bluntly. At this point in my years of suffering I didn't even try to lie to people when they asked me questions like that, what was the point. In this day in age people would think I was joking anyway and it would be brushed off, so I just let it happen. Maybe he would see it differently though.

"Tell me what you usually do on these days." It wasn't a question, he laid back down next to me, facing me and playing with the sleeves of my jumper.

"Lay in bed and either sleep or stare into the void and just think about killing myself." I didn't really have a filter when I was like this and it was only after I said it that I thought maybe it was a little inappropriate to be telling him this.

"How about we watch a movie and cuddle?" He suggested, I rolled my eyes. "Or we can both lay here and ponder death that will one day come but not right now." He said. I blinked at him. "I just want to help, and I think it's counterproductive to do the same things so we can put on a movie and we can cuddle and you can still lay there and thing the things your mind does but, you're not just doing nothing while thinking it." He explained, he might have had a point.

"Okay." I agreed, he smiled. He reached over me to grab the remote and then processed to see what was on the TV, I watched him. He was so small, not body wise but just - existence wise. Like he just seemed like just a small person who deserved to be protected at all costs.

"Come here," he encouraged, pulling me towards him, though he wasn't succeeding. I moved toward him and he untangled my knot of arms and legs, he laid on his back and swung his legs over mine. He pulled one of my arms over his torso and entwined our fingers and let my other arm be close to my body. "I'm here." Was all he had to say before I let myself come closer to him, our bodies touching and my head resting on his shoulder.


	9. nine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Talk of Suicide.

\- several weeks later - 

Remington was able to come back to the ward after a couple days of his relapse, we became closer but never made anything official. We knew that having a romantic relationship in this facility was something we weren't allowed to do. We were both okay worth that, we still cuddled and he wore my jumpers. His recovery was coming along so well, I was so proud of him. He'd put on weight and colour was coming back to his complexion. 

My recovery was about to be sideswiped off the road by a truck. I thought I was doing pretty well up until now, and then it all went to Hell. Like how depression goes. You never really escape it, without leaving a piece of you behind. Every time you go back to get it you leave something else behind. 

"How are you feeling today Finn?" Mr. Dr Man asked me. I sat quietly in the crappy uncomfortable leather chair, this room was so stuffy. 

"Do you want me to be honest?" I asked back. Which of course he did, but I think it was more of me thinking out loud. Do I want to be honest, knowing what the possible outcomes would be. 

"Always. This is a sage space and you're here to get better." He pressed, which he wasn't wrong about I had signed myself up for this, this place was my choice. 

"I want to kill myself," I shrugged. "Yes, I have a plan." He was surprised I was so honest, what was the point in lying? They would have found my body even if I wasn't honest. 

He wrote something on his paper "So, you sound pretty confident in it. Is there no inner conflict? Like how someone might feel or react to something like that?" Interesting question, something I'd not been asked about before. I'd not really thought about it, of course Remington came into mind. But we'd only known each other for a couple months, its’ not like he depended on me it wasn't like I was his saving grace. 

"No." I didn't want to not do it because of how someone else reacted to it. I've been told my whole life that killing yourself is selfish, that you're taking away the chance of your life getting better. Yet no one seems to stop and think about how I feel, it's always about everyone else. "I think it sucks to be on the other side of that event, I've been there myself. But I don't want to put myself through fifty or seventy more years of pain just because someone else might feel sad for a couple months." I stated. 

Mr. Doctor Man wrote on his pad of paper, he wrote most of the stuff I said down, guess it was for later assessment or so he knew what to prescribe to me or what to tell me or feel me. It was a whole thing, I didn't really believe worked. "So, you think that other people are being selfish for believing that you might have the potential to get better?" He asked. 

"The term 'get better' is a load of shit, I wish you'd stop saying it. No one 'gets better'." I spat, I hated that term. "People who actually suffer from anything deep enough never get over it, it will always be there, we either learn to mold our life around it or we learnt to hide it good enough." 

"Finn, you're in a safe place here, and you know we encourage openness. We want to help you cope, with these feelings. No one wants to see you die." His voice calm and almost sinister. 

"We all die, Doctor. Just most just die at a more acceptable time." I crossed my legs under me, I wasn't closing up over this. 

"Okay, I hear you," he started "how about we start with why do you feel like this?" He asked. Common question, something everyone asks. 

"I don't want to live, I don't want to be inside my head anymore, I'm sick of the words and voices. I don't like how people look at me, like I'm something disgusting." Internally my brain never stopped, it never was quiet with memories, coming up with situations that were never going to happen. My brain always telling me that I wasn't good enough for whatever I was doing or had. 

"Have you ever thought about combatting those thoughts? Or maybe what stops them?" 

I shrugged "I've had therapists try to find those things out. I've never had a reason to not think those things." I stared for a moment as he wrote, until now? 

"Has anything changed?" He asked. 

"I have Remington?" I actually had someone who cared, genuinely cared for me. 

"Does he stop those thoughts? Does he help you at all?" 

"Yes and no, general thoughts yes he does when I'm with him. But the more invasive thoughts? No. No one can stop those." 

# 

"How was your session today?" his rough voice came from my door "you seem quiet." He came into the room, he looked well today. His checks had a slight pink tint to them, showing he was warm - that made me feel better to see him look okay. 

"It was intense, I don't really know how to..." I started, but he sat on my bed and picked up my hand and rested it on his face, his warm face. "I felt suicidal, so we talked about it." I admitted, I couldn't lie to those brown eyes. 

His face grew sadder as what I said sunk into his mind and he thought it over, seeing someone you cared about react to you saying something like never gets easier. "Do you feel better after talking about it with him?" his voice soft. 

"Slightly." He laid down in front of me, he laid on his back legs draped over mine and he played with my hand. He looked into my blue eyes, he was searching for something. 

"I love you." He said. I was a taken back for a moment, he'd never said that before. I didn't know if I felt the same, I just looked at him "you don't have say it back, I know this is all really knew too you. I just want you to know that that's how I feel."


	10. ten.

It was dark, but not cold, which usually go well together. I looked at my wall for a very long time, thinking about everything that had happened while I was here. Meeting Remington and his brothers, having therapy multiple times a week, eating on a regular schedule, taking my medications at the right times. I sighed into the room, or more like the space that was between myself and the wall. Though I wasn't really sure if I would ever feel safe enough here to actually be myself, I was comfortable enough to be most of who I was.

Earlier in the day I received a phone call from my father, he wanted to come see me. I told him I needed to think about it, it wasn't that I didn't want to see him but more like I didn't know if I could handle it. Was I ready to face one of my biggest demons? Did people actually know if they were ready for anything? Was that a genuine feeling I just didn't know anything about? It was likely, I have individual therapy tomorrow so I promised myself I would talk about it with Mr. Doctor Man.

I also told myself I would ask Remington, if given the chance and right time, why he still saw his older brother. Even though he's hurt him so much. Maybe that would help me understand or process seeing my father. I wasn't sure if I was ready to see anyone from the outside world, but I know that I couldn't just pretend that the world didn't exist outside these walls. Because that would mean my integration back into the world after my stay here would be a lot harder to do.

I sighed, again, my brain felt like smoke like it wasn't even a physical matter inside my head. I didn't know if I was going to be able to get out of bed today, or talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone in the darkness that was my room. there was a soft knock at my door that seemed to bring me somewhat back to reality. I grunted as a response to their knock and that they could enter, though I don't know if they heard it. I rolled my eyes and rolled over as the door opened, there was a part of me the fucking prayed they wouldn't come in and bother me.

"You have a visitor." The nurse said. Immediately my eyes winded and my heart rate sky rocketed, who was here? Was it my father? He would fucking just show up without me being comfortable with it, he was such an asshole like that 'you just don't know you need it yet, I'm your father, I know what you need' he would say.

"I don't want to see my father, tell him to leave." I replied, anger definitely fueling my voice. I couldn't believe this, and I knew that if I refused to see someone from the outside world that they had to leave so that was good.

"Uh, I think he's a bit too young to be your father..." she looked outside the door for a moment taking in the other person to double check, then she smiled at the unidentified person. Now I was curious, I didn't know anyone who would want to come and see me that wasn't my family. Of course, my friends knew I was in here but I told them not to come and they were pretty good at listening to me. I sat up, pulling the blanket around me as I did, I rubbed my face - it was hot and felt nice to rub in a weird way.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"He said his name is Emerson?" she looked back to the other, making sure she said it right. I raised an eyebrow at her, there had to be a mistake, why would Remington's brother be here to see me? I nodded anyway giving her permission to leave and let him come into my room. Emerson came around the corner of my door, a smile on his soft face.

"Hey," he said quietly coming over to my bed, he was wearing tight black jeans, pointed red shoes, a black and white striped t-shirt and had a brown shoulder bag "I wanted to check in on you, Remi was telling me you've not been feeling to good." It was sweet of Remington to talk about me with his brother but I didn't know how I felt about meeting him for the second time, still not dressed appropriately.

"Yeah, just having a rough time, though he makes it bearable." I smiled as Emerson came to sit on the corner of the bed.

"I have something for you." He opened his bag and searched it for a moment before pulling out a book and a folded piece of paper. He handed them too me "I'm sure Remi's told you I really like to read and you've seen my drawings. So, I got you my favourite book and a made you a drawing. I thought you could start putting them up on your walls like Remi does." He explained the gifts to me.

"You really didn't have too Emerson, but thank you." I smiled up at him, he was so sweet. I was able to see so easily how Remington and Emerson where related to each other, they both shared the same soft, fragile but inviting, loving face. They both radiated love and acceptance, and they looked like they were related. Sebastian on the other hand, didn't look related to either of them and he radiated asshole energy.

I hugged him, and he hugged me back, he was so warm and comforting; it made me think for a moment is this is how Remington used to feel before he lost all the weight, but then I realised how stupid that thought was. "Anything for my brothers' _boyfriend_ ," he whispered too me. I blushed, Remington had only said it once too me but hearing someone else say it? It made me feel warm.

"Oh! You're here, I wondered where you went too," Remington's bubbly voice came from the door, he was looking at us "You made him a drawing? Oh Em!" Remington clapped his hands together in excitement, sometimes I didn't know if he was seven and a half or twenty-four. Emerson laughed and stood up putting his arm's out and Remington bounced into them hugging his younger brother.

#

"You have an amazing brother." I said to Remington, he came to see me after Emerson had left. Him and Emerson where working on a song together for most of the day so I just stayed in my room and looked at the drawing on my wall. It was like another world in his drawings, I was always finding knew things every time I looked at them.

"We really love each other." He replied. He seemed a little flat tonight, I didn't know if I wanted to ask if he was okay or if I was just seeing him that way because of how I felt.

"You okay bub?" I asked, I thought it was better than nothing.

"Just tired, working on songs all day can be super tiering. But I have you, my favourite jumper. I couldn't feel better." He smiled and kissed my head.

"God, I love you." I couldn't help it, I loved him so much.

"I love you just as much." Pearly whites on full display.


	11. eleven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Suicide Mention, Graphic Descriptions of Physical Abuse

\- three months later -

It had been over half my time here, I felt like I was somewhat going to be able to make it through this treatment and maybe be okay when I go back into the world. Though the thought of leaving was still a scary thought it was something I was going to have to do eventually, as did everyone here. Today I was going in for my mid time assessment to see how my progress was going and if I was on track with where they needed me to be to be let out on time. "It'll be fine, stop worrying so much." Remington said paying with my hair as we laid on his bed.

"It's not just the assessment I'm worried about, I'm seeing dad tomorrow." Something I haven't really talked about with Remington or the doctors. I still was processing it, I wasn't really sure how to really deal with it.

"That's going to be okay too," I could hear how he wasn't really sure in his voice "look, like I told you when it comes to seeing to Seb I just have to remember that he is my brother and that he is a good person somewhere deep inside him." I don't know if that really comforted me. "He doesn't mean to be a shit person, it's just the alcohol." Remington stopped playing with my hair at this point, I might have struck a chord.

"I'm sorry Remi, you didn't have to talk about him. I didn't mean to upset you," I looked up at him, he was just looking into the distance. Sometimes I was scared he'd leave me and I would once again be alone, like I always was. No matter who came into my life I would always end up alone, no one ever stayed.

"No, it's fine bub. Don't worry about me." He smiled down at me a kissed my head. He was comforting and though I still didn't know how to read all of his body language and signs for how he was feeling, I was good enough and I trusted him to tell me if he wasn't okay.

Once lights out time came around Remington went back to his room and I was alone with my thoughts. When I woke up, I was going to have to see my father, and that scared me. It wasn't the fear of him seeing me in here it was the fear of just seeing him. I didn't know if I could do it, what do we talk about? I don't think he deserves to know how I am going or how I am feeling. I don't think he even deserves to know me anymore. I wish he would just leave. I wish he'd go away forever. I wish everyone in my life outside of here would go away forever.

And that leads me back to I can't make that many people go away forever, but the only other common thing in all those connections is me, so if I go away forever then it solved the situation.

I fell asleep thinking of ways to kill myself.

#

"Finn, you have a visitor," a nurse came over to Remington and I. We were sitting at a table playing cards, because he was trying to distract me from my anxiety. I looked up to the nurse, eyes wide and heart starting to race. I stood up nodding, I lost focus of what was going on around me and I began to feel like I was in a cloud.

Arms wrapped around my shoulders and the warmth of his face pressed to mine brought me back from wherever I went. The familiar smell of lavender, and the slender fingers brushing my neck as the overlap on his arms and he hugs me. "I don't want to do this," I whispered, trying to keep myself together and not cry. All of a sudden, I was overwhelmed, I felt like I was going to pass out. "I can't, I can't." I kept saying quietly into Remington's shoulder.

"Shh, it's okay." He whispered back, rubbing my back, keeping his head close to mine. "You don't have to do anything, he can leave." Remington told me, I nodded. I couldn't do it, I couldn't face that man who called himself my father. I shuddered in Remington's arms. "Nurse, he doesn't want to see him." Remington said for me as I tried to get my breathing under control.

"Of course, if you could take him to his room Remington, I'll be in with some things to help calm him in a minuet." She turned and left and Remington guided me to my room. She'd came back and given me some Valium to help me calm down, and said she would be back before dinner to wake me if Remington didn't.

_"You can't control me, child." Dad slurred, beer in hand, looking at me._

_"It's three-fucking-am, go to bed. Or be quiet some of us have to be up early." I said back, with a stricter tone in my voice. He stood up and I took a step back into the hallway as he came over to me, not being able to walk straight. I could see pure fury in his eyes from the way I spoke to him. I knew what was going to come next, and that's exactly what happened._

_He placed his beer down on the small table by the hallway entrance and pushed me into the wall, both hands firm on my shoulders, making sure I couldn't move. His alcoholic breath was all I could smell and his blue, angry eyes where all I could see. I was breathing quickly, but didn't say anything I didn't want to escalate it. I didn't feel like being beaten to death tonight._

_"You can't control me faggot." his words heavy and anger fueled. They didn't hurt me anymore, I'd heard them so many times they had no meaning to me anymore._

_"Dad, please, go to bed." I said, clear not showing any inch of fear, though I was filled with it. His hands tightened around my shoulders, and my predictions were right. He struck me in the stomach with his fist, two times. I doubled over, grabbing my middle but trying to stay standing. I couldn't breathe, my vision was blurry._

_"I hope you die." He said, close and cold into my ear and he wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and pushed me to the ground. I lay there as he walked back into the living room. Eventually I was able to stand enough to walk to my bedroom and I laid crying on my bed, alone and unable to move._

"R-Rem," I couldn't breathe, I reached out wrapping my hand around his arm as my other hand was on my chest. My eyes wide, I couldn't inhale, I was losing my vision. Remington shot up next to me, of course only just waking up not really knowing what to do.

"Finn, hey, do I need to get a nurse?" He asked, rushed and panicked words. I tried to nod and he shot off out the door I could only just hear him calling for a nurse. I don't know what happened next because I passed out.


	12. twelve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Death, Suicide, Alcohol Poisoning.

I woke up not in my bed in the ward. 

It was in a room that looked like Remington's room when he was in the hospital wing.

I looked around, eyes squinted, trying to get my eyes to adjust to the brightness.

"Where am I?" I asked out loud, there was someone here. 

I could see their outline against the light. They stepped forward. 

It was Sebastian, Remington older brother. I was confused for a moment, why was he here in my room. 

"You're dead." He said, voice clear, crystal clear. It was almost painful how clear it was.

"How do you know?" I asked. If I was dead, then why was _he_ here.

"I am also dead." He sat down on the side of my bed, not sharing eye contact with me.

"How?" I sat up.

"Alcohol poisoning ." Why was I not surprised.

"How do you know you're dead?" I responded. Still unsure of how he knew.

"I saw my grandmother, who told me the same thing I'm telling you right now. And she's been dead for years." He explained. It made sense.

"How did I... Die?" I questioned, would I ever get to know?

"You killed yourself." Voice cold.

"Oh," but when? how? "Well, why are you here, telling me?" Did I really not have anyone else to come comfort me?

"Because I'm the only person you know who is dead who is related to the one thing you love most in this world, Finn." 

I left Remington, why? Why would I leave him.

Sebastian stood up, and stretched his hand to me, for me to take. I didn't see why I shouldn't take it. Maybe in death I could really understand why he was the way he was. Maybe in death I would finally understand myself or who I was.

I took his hand "He loved you, so much." We walked into the light.


	13. the last one standing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Death, Suicide, Self Harm, Drugs, Drinking

It could have been any day, of any week, of any month, of any year. At this point Remington didn't really know what day it was, how long it had been or when it all happened. He was told about Finn's suicide the day after it happened, he didn't understand why he'd done it. Why did Finn leave him here? Alone, to fend for himself. It was a hard thing to process. They had told Remington, trying not to give to many details away because they didn't want to trigger him or anyone else, that Finn had hung himself in his room.

Of course, at first, Remington didn't believe them. How could someone so pure, so caring... Just be gone? And even though Remington was yet to be informed that his older brother had also died that night, it was over whelming. He loved Finn, he was Finn's pretty princess. Though Remington didn't dare to think that Finn didn't love him, he knew he did. Remington didn't let the common thoughts of 'they are selfish' or 'what about me?' flood his mind, because they are not true.

As Remington sat on his bed, staring at the floor, his eyes burned. Threatening to let tear fall, he didn't try to stop them, he didn't even want to stop them. He wanted to cry. He lost his best friend, his lover, his every reason to be okay every morning. The room felt cold. It was dark, it was cold, and he was alone - more alone than he knew yet.

Slowly Remington let himself fall into his red pillow, curling himself up under his blanket. Knees hugged so tightly to his chest it was like a life line. The blanket was pulled up to the bottom of his brown glassy eyes. He pulled the pink jumper over his hands, and buried them under each other. His hair was flat under the hood, and he cried for hours.

Remington was empty, it was like all hope was gone, there was no reason to wake up, go to sleep, eat. There was nothing meaningful in his life now. The world took away his knight in shining armor, they took away his light. How was he to go on?

As he cried quietly into his pillow, not bothering to wipe his face anymore, the door to his room creaked open slowly letting in the smallest amount of light. It wasn't open long enough for a nurse or doctor and it there wasn't enough light for it to be an adult to came in. Remington knew who came in. Visiting hours might have been over but Remington assumed they made an acceptation for the situation, but he just didn't know the acceptation wasn't for Finn.

Emerson assumed it would be dark in here, that his older brother would be curled up and crying. Emerson filled the room with his own pain, trying to wrestle Remington's, grabbing it by the throat and trying to kill it. Emerson knew more than Remington did at the moment, and he hurt but he knew that this kind of pain may kill Remington.

"Remi," Emerson's soft voice filled the spaces between the pain. Emerson walked to the bed, crawling on. This wasn't the first time he'd found his big brother like this, he knew what to do. He could feel the self-destruction seeping from Remington as he got closer to him. Emerson tried to fight it, to fight away the demons from Remington.

Emerson pulled up the blanket, heavy with pain, and wrapped his longer body around his brother. He tried to take in all the pain coming from Remington, he tried to store it all inside him. "Seb died." Emerson whispered, there was never going to be a good time to tell him, so he did it now. He did it while his arms where still strong around his brother, while he was able to hold him while he screamed, like he tried to fight. Emerson held him, silent tears rolling down his checks.

Emerson wrestled the pain, the fear, he took it in, he stored it inside his soul. It made him someone else, he was no longer soft and bubbly after that night, there was a void that filled him where the pain and fear lived.

Remington was not the same person either, after he'd passed out from crying, from screaming and fighting his brother's arms which did not falter, not once. Remington was cold, and dark; only ever letting Emerson in.

Once Remington was allowed to leave the hospital; he took up drinking and drugs as a way to keep the pain chained up. Emerson lived with him, with the ability to hold him some nights and take away the pain and fear - to store it inside his void. 

The night's where Remington would _fly to the moon_ , they would the quiet nights in the house. He would be asleep on the sofa, under Emerson's watchful eye, he would sturr sometimes muttering names of the ghosts that haunt him.

One night on the moon, Remington would stay there forever.

Emerson would be stuck in a dream where he could dream up anything and everything.


End file.
